It's NOT my birthday.
If tha' comes down here it could be.
Wait there a minute, I've got something for you.
If tha's been baking, I'll have an apple tart. I can put custard on it.
Who's a tricky little minx then?
# I'm singing in the rain, Just singing in the rain,
# What a glorious feeling,
# I'm happy again... #
# Stormy weather... #
(Hello. Is that you, Cleggy?)
Who is this? I'm sorry, but it's a terrible line.
I can't hear a word that you're...
It's just this voice mumbling and sounding twitchy and guilty...
..Oh, oh, so of course I guess it must be you, Howard.
Where are you calling from? Next door? You sound as though you're in New Zealand.
I daren't speak up. You never know who's listening.
I know people who hear the faintest sound through a concrete wall.
There are people who can read the contents of your wallet. While it's still in your pocket!
What do I want? I don't want anything.
Can't a chap ring his neighbour without wanting something?
Although, since you've mentioned it, there is just one little thing you can do for me.
It's very simple. That makes two of you(!)
Hello, love. I...I was just calling my horoscope line.
In future, if you want to know YOUR future - ask ME.
Why are you holding the phone down your jumper?
Oh, well, I always think it works better when it's warm.
Oh, is that why men always stand with their backsides to the fire(?)
Could have done with one of these in the jungle. During the war.
Far East theatre. You know, the Forgotten Army.
Yes, I could have used one of these.
D'you know what was the worst thing about being behind enemy lines?
You had to do your own laundry.
Being special forces, you could turn your hand to anything.
But I've often wondered how the powers that be expected us to wash off all the enemy blood in a stream.
Have you ever tried washing enemy blood off in tepid water?
Well, it got in the end so you thought twice about killing people.
Well, I tell you this, I stopped using knives.
Oh, yes. You see, you could make the same shirt last through half a dozen strangulations.
I wonder what holds the sky up.
Probably roadworks somewhere.
I sometimes wonder why it don't fall.
The way you drink we've often wondered the same.
How far does it go?
Well, it goes on forever.
I knew it was roadworks!
If tha' got high enough, what could tha' see?
Well, if you got high enough, all we'd see would be the holes in your trousers.
I wonder if there are any holes in the sky?
Oh, yes, there are. You know, there are things called black holes.
Hmm, like that pub in Deakin Street.
I knew when you mentioned pub he'd remember how thirsty he was.
Tha's just nervous about buying a round.
Anyroad, you were supposed to be telling me how the world began.
Little curiosity box today, aren't we?
Well, makes you wonder. I mean, how did it all start?
Is there life after death?
And a good place to find out is that pub in Deakin Street!
The world, and sometimes you wonder why it bothered, began with a big bang.
B-A-N-G
It's happened again!
Half a pint, please.
I think he has the same tailor as you(!) Watch it, Eunice.
Now remember. If he comes over, whatever happens, we don't give him any money.
He hasn't asked for any yet.
Oh, but his sort always do.
How do, fellas. Name of Broadbent.
Don't say I didn't warn you. There were a Broadbent in Gordon St.
Not me. I'm not from these parts. Are you lads local?
Here it comes.
I wonder if you could help me...
I'm looking for directions.
I'm looking for the wilderness. For the what?!
The wilderness.
The wide open spaces.
The uninhabited places.
Huge expanses of nothing but wild life.
Sounds like Liverpool.
Places empty of human habitation.
Yes...well, I'm afraid we can't help you. You know, we've got to go.
Come on, we've a lot to do.
Nice to meet you, Mr Broadstairs.
Good luck with the wilderness.
What's that all about? What's all the hurry?
Looked like a barmpot to me. He could be interesting.
Be thankful I got you away just in time. In time for what?
Well, he was about to ask for money. He was about to ask for money.
It's probably what he does. Makes friends, then asks for money.
He never mentioned money.
Well, he wouldn't for a start, would he? No, no, he has to win your trust first.
Well, he certainly won yours, didn't he(?)
When I said, "Let's go for a quick drink", I didn't mean THAT quick.
VAN BACKFIRES
Is this it then? Is this where it starts? The wilderness?
Don't go near him, it'll cost you money.
No, I think he's interesting.
I think with a bit of luck he might turn out to be outstandingly barmy.
Aye, he might be worth a couple of bob if he's VERY interesting.
Since when have you had a couple of bob?!
Oh, it looks about right.
The kind of place where a bloke could get back to nature.
That coat has never been far away from it.
I don't believe in fancy possessions. I can see that.
It's a good vehicle is that. It's got me where I wanted to go.
Isn't he coming down, your mate?
No. He thinks you're after money.
Money? Do I look as if I needed money? Well...yes.
I don't need money. I've chosen a path which despises money.
Oh, you work for the council then?
I don't work for anybody - I'm retired.
It's all right. He don't want money.
They say that. They ALL say that. Come on down.
SHOP BELL TINKLES
'Stand where you are. Security cameras are watching your every move.
'Just stand there, until the proprietor can get to you.
'Hands in pockets!'
Welcome to Auntie's Treasure House. Call THAT a welcome?
Oh, it's you. I thought it might be somebody careless about money.
You wanted to see me.
It's a bad area for careless people. You need all your wits about you.
I wanted to see you? Yeah. Ah, yes...
Just the thing. I knew this was a challenge when I bought it.
But it was so cheap I couldn't resist it.
What is it? A thingummy.
If they ask, tell them it's a thingummy.
If they get technical, tell them it's a valuable ANTIQUE thingummy.
Now don't go out without any change. Have you got a £5 note? Yes...
Yes. Good lad. You've got a bargain there.
Me? Absolutely.
Where else would you get a thingummy in that condition for £5?
Sell it for six and you're laughing, aren't you?
Ohhh.
This is about as much wilderness as you're likely to find here.
What are you going to do with it?
I'm going to wander it. I'm going to search for wisdom.
I knew it. He IS barmy.
If tha's looking for wisdom, why come out here?
Because the wilderness is where you find it. They do it in India. I've read about it.
Well, I can't answer for India. I've never seen it in Burma.
They do. There's this tradition.
A bloke gets through his working life. Does his duty.
Gets his family grown up and then he's free.
He gives up all his possessions
and goes off to wander in the wilderness looking for wisdom.
And that's what tha's going to do then? Definitely. And this looks like a good place to start.
It's been nice meeting you. Are you going now? That's what I came to do.
What about the van? I've finished with it.
I told you, I've given up all possessions.
Tha's just going to leave it? Yes. You can have it if you want.
It might not be too bad if we get Wesley to work on it a bit.
It's yours. Take it with my blessing.
Is it taxed and insured?
If you find wisdom, maybe you can bring us back some.
You know, I always rather liked him.
It's real tatty. God, listen to who's talking.
No, no, a bit of work here and there.
You know, I don't believe it. You meet some bloke and he gives you a van.
It is the kind of van you'd be inclined to give to somebody.
No, a lick of paint here and there. I can teach you to polish it.
It's for driving, not polishing.
The two can go together, you know. PHWRRRT!
Hey up! Who's polishing this then?
Hold it, Broadbent!
Come back!
We think you've forgotten something. That'll be Mrs Broadbent.
I told you. I'm giving up all possessions. She goes with the van.
She goes with the van?!
This is very irregular.
Where are we going to garage her?
She's got to go home.
Maybe we could part exchange her.
Her and the van for summat a bit smarter.
She is going HOME. But has she got a home? He said he were giving up everything!
You get up in the morning,
and you never think that before the day is out you're going to own a Mrs Broadbent.
It's a stroke of genius getting racing handlebars.
Nobody ever recognises you on a racing bicycle.
All they can see is your head.
It's boring. Always looking at your own front wheel.
Well, I know we can't see much of each other, but we could hold hands in quiet places.
This is a quiet place, Howard.
Oh, Howard. Oh, Marina.
Oh, heck...!
You're going to have to be firm with her.
Oh, I'll be firm with her. Just leave it to me.
I wonder if she does laundry.
..Well, it's just a thought.
What is it? Tell her. Tell her she's going home.
J-just leave it with me.
Now then, Mrs Broadbent, it's like this you see...
I WAS firm. You heard me. I was firm.
Not firm enough. You didn't do any better. It's like a nightmare.
There's no need to exaggerate. It's not exaggeration, it's panic.
I'm telling you, it's just like a nightmare.
She's still there.
Do something!
I'll tell you what, we'll just keep going. Tire her out.
She's not used to walking these hills like we are.
Four teas, please, Ivy.
Four?!
Does she take sugar? I don't want to know that.
If we start knowing about that, we'll start getting used to her.
Oh, I won't be long.
What's Norah going to say if she finds out I've got another woman?!
Stop saying that. We haven't got another woman. We don't even know if she takes sugar.
She takes sugar.
Steady on, steady on... Pack it in.
(What's up wi' them? They're fighting over some woman.)
Norman Clegg? Fighting over a woman? They came in with one.
She doesn't look like THAT sort.
It gets harder to tell.
I blame all these phone-in programmes.
With a woman?
Brazen as you like. Bought her a cup of tea.
Doesn't sound all that wicked. One cup of tea.
Drink your coffee. Who bought the tea?
Foggy Dewhurst.
- That's queer. - Which one does she belong to?
..I wonder where they found her.
There's always some lying spare!
Probably advertised. At least your father only reads motor magazines.
There was her from Broomfield St. He got her through an advert.
Who? Drink your coffee. Oh, Mother!
Never mind the "Oh, Mother!"
What do they want with a woman at their age?
I expect she'll be company. Will you drink your coffee?
How old do they have to be before they lose interest?
I wonder if they ever do. That's the wonderful thing about marriage.
What's HE doing here?
I was wondering if you could touch it up before anyone noticed the damage?
You must be joking! Look at that front wheel.
How did you get it like this?! I was in collision with a lady.
We just happened to meet.
Meet? You call this a meet? Is she all right?
All right? She's lovely!
I mean, all right damage-wise?
Oh, yes. Thankfully. I remembered everything I'd been taught in First Aid.
Even when entangled in a broken bicycle,
it's amazing what you can do with the kiss of life. Howard!
I can explain...
We're listening, Howard.
Well, I was peacefully riding my bicycle. Enjoying the solitude.
Just me and the scenery, when this fella ran into me on his bicycle.
Oh, yes. Your bicycle?
How long's it been a LADIES' bicycle?!
..No crossbar. Crossbar gone entirely.
Just shows how lucky I am to be alive.
Maybe we could give her away? Somebody must want a Mrs Broadbent.
She goes with the van. We'd have to give that away as well.
We'll give the van. Steady on, let's not be hasty. I think this is just the time to be hasty!
What we're looking for is some stupid idiot who wants to buy a van.
Hey up, Smiler.
I can't tell you what a pleasure it is to see you, Smiler.
What's that, Smiler? A thingummy. I've got to sell this thingummy.
How much? Six pounds...fif-fifty.
Six pounds...fif-fifty?
What about swopping it for a van?
A van? Yes, come on... Come on then.
It's a bit tatty. Well, what d'you expect for the price of a thingummy?
Oh...oh, I suppose it's worth the price of a thingummy.
There you are, Smiler, and God help all those who sail in her.
Oh, listen, I've been meaning to ask you...
Who's that lady who's following us?
She's all yours, Smiler. She goes with the van.
Goes with the van?!
Relax, Smiler. There's no extra charge. Ohh, no!
Not only is tha' the proud owner of a van, Smiler, but also of a Mrs Broadbent!
How's that for an end of season offer, Smiler?
What am I supposed to do with her?
Ask him. Here comes MISTER Broadbent.
Has tha' found wisdom already?
I must have sprained something. I was lying there in agony thinking, "Where's the wife?"
Where is she?
She's in the van. Oh, oh, thank the Lord for that.
Oh, Eliza, love... I'm back.
Subtitles by BBC - 1995